


Not Always Going to be This Grey

by cashewdani



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Infidelity, Masturbation, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-28
Updated: 2008-11-28
Packaged: 2018-01-15 02:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1288282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashewdani/pseuds/cashewdani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Oh, Ted, by the way, I dream about having sex with your girlfriend, so, I probably shouldn't be left alone with her.  You agree, don't you?  Wonderful.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Always Going to be This Grey

The last time Marshall had to get over a girl, it was sophomore year of high school and they'd only dated for three months. All it took was some McDonalds and hooking up with his debate partner at a party the next weekend and Beth was completely out of his system.

But this was _Lily_. Lily who'd been in his life for 9 years before this and who was supposed to be in it forever and how do you get over someone like that? Someone who is part of your memories and your plans and _you_. Lily's a part of him. A lung or a kidney, or to be completely cliche, a heart, and he's going to have to somehow survive without her.

It's too much and whenever he closes his eyes he sees her wheeling her suitcase out the door.

\---

A few days after Lily leaves, Marshall gets why Ted started spending all his time with the guys from his architecture program junior year when he got dumped. Because Marshall can't even look at him with Robin. They're always kissing and smiling and touching. It's like if they disconnect from one another something horrible is going to happen. And maybe it will because he can't really believe in anything anymore.

They're watching _Return of the Jedi_ since it's probably his favorite in the trilogy and if he moans a little, everyone kind of just does what he wants lately. But, out of the corner of his eye, he keeps noticing that Ted and Robin are holding hands and even the furry, little Ewok faces aren't enough to make up for it.

He says he's going to bed long before the movie is even close to over, and stares at the ceiling trying to block out the sound of their giggling through the walls.

\---

There's all sorts of plans everyone comes up with to combat his borderline alcoholism, and the fact that he can't stop crying and his inability to eat pancakes. And he goes along with them, after some coaxing, because there's only so many days he can sit around in the apartment before he starts to feel like doing something crazy. Like drinking Drano or standing on the railing of the fire escape.

He wants Lily, or he wants to die. That's pretty much it. And he doesn't know how hitting a concert or eating tacos or going to the horsetrack are going to help add any more options into the mix, but Ted says they will.

So far, it's not working.

\---

It's the third morning in a row that Robin's come to eat breakfast wearing only a t-shirt of Ted's. She's got on purple underwear. Yesterday it was pink, and yellow the day before and he doesn't like that he knows that. Even with her bare legs under the table he can't stop thinking about it. It's turning him on a little and at the same time making him miss Lily and he's not even sure if those two things are related. Lily only owned black panties. 

Looking at Robin, Marshall's suddenly not very interested in the toast Ted made him promise he'd eat. But, it's not like he can just stand up in his boxers right now and not have both of them know he's kind of hard. He's trying not to blush, and not be a pervert like Barney, and starts working on ripping his crusts off as a distraction. She's left to go get ready for work before he's even made it up to Boise in listing the state capitals. Looking down, there's two mutilated pieces of bread on the dish in front of him and his hands are shiny with the grape jelly Ted had also insisted on because it's kind of a fruit.

Eventually, the couple is out of the apartment and they won't be back for at least eight hours. Marshall goes back to bed, and gets off thinking about Lily in just a pair of purple underpants and only cries a little.

\---

They run out of beer that night, so it's easier for Ted to convince him to come downstairs to get a drink with Barney than it has been. 

Over his third Sam Adams, he tells Ted, "You've got to start making Robin wear pants."

"I'd prefer to make you wear pants before I move on to Robin."

"Wait, Robin's been walking around without pants on and you haven't invited me over? What the hell?" Barney is already pushing his chair back from the table.

"I'm not inviting you over to stare at my girlfriend."

"Yeah, but Marshall just gets to look at her every morning because he lives there? There's no way he's even appreciating it!" Barney goes to pull his wallet out, and then seems to second guess that choice. "You know what? You're buying my drinks, Ted, because you've been completely broffensive."

And then Barney is gone, taking his angry disbelief with him.

"I want to say that was unexpected, but we both know that's a lie," Ted says.

"Seriously though. Ted. Talk to Robin."

"It's July and she's hot. What am I supposed to say?"

Marshall sighs. "What about: Robin, I don't know what they do in Canada, but here we wear pants?"

"Tonight is the first time I've seen you with pants on in five days!"

He wants to lawyer Ted but he's too tired, and thank God Lily broke up with him after finals because otherwise he officially would be flunking out of school on top of everything else. "Ted, please."

"Lily always used to not wear a bra around the apartment and I never said anything. Oh, fuck, Marshall, I'm sorry," he says, but it's too late. Ted can just pay for his drinks too.

\---

From then on, they all sit at breakfast in their sweatpants, and it's nice to not get horny when all you're trying to do is enjoy your Poptart.

\---

Ted says he doesn't want to leave him alone too much because he'll try to call Lily, but everyone really knows what that means. It means they don't trust what he'll do if he's by himself and he can't say that he blames them. So, Robin is over here babysitting him while Ted has to work late one night. It would suck if Ted had to put in overtime and then come home to find his dead roommate on top of that. Not as much as Marshall's life sucks, but whatever.

She's flipping through channels and asks him, "Do you want to order a pizza?", going past _Jeopardy_ and the _Everybody Loves Raymond_ where one of the twins doesn't want to go to school.

"Robin, I'm not seven, okay?"

"You have to be seven to like pizza?" She's genuinely puzzled, and it would probably be cute if he wasn't so irritated. And if he was Ted. Obviously. 

"I'm sick of you and Ted treating me like I'm a little kid. Barney's the only one who's been normal, and that's anything but normal."

"Well, we recognize that you're going through a tough time while Barney is a monster without a soul."

"It was a little redundant of you to say a monster without a soul, Robin. Being a monster kind of implies that."

"No it doesn't."

"Name me one monster who has a soul. You can't." Marshall crosses his arms, and dares her to even try it with his eyes.

She's quiet for awhile, like she's actually thinking of what would be an appropriate answer, and he respects that, even though she's going to be totally wrong no matter what she comes up with. Finally, she says, "Cookie Monster," and he was absolutely right, she hasn't got a prayer in the world.

"Doesn't count." He smirks.

"Marshall, how does that not count?"

"He's not a real monster."

"His name is Cookie _Monster_. He's obviously a monster."

"Yeah, he's a monster, Robin, but he's fictional." He shakes his head because, come on, Robin, seriously, Cookie Monster? That was the best you could do?

"All monsters are fictional."

"You watch your mouth," he says, a warning dominance in his tone that she really should not look so shocked about. Her face makes him try to mellow out, despite the fact that she's being ridiculous. "Plus, Cookie Monster is part of the childhood obesity epidemic in this country. That's not exactly soulful behavior."

"Your mother thinks mayonnaise is an ingredient in salad."

"Can you please not tell me my mother lacks a soul?"

"You're the one who said it. I only implied it."

"I think you've been spending too much time with Ted if that's your response."

And it goes on like this, over the pizza that they finally do end up ordering, and a case of beer Ted wanted them to leave some of for him. Sorry, Ted. But, everything she comes up with he has a counter for, and it feels good. Really good. It's what made him want to be a lawyer in the first place, that he could argue his way out of anything. The first argument he ever really lost was that last one with Lily, and it's hitting him all over again in a way he should be used to by now.

Robin's trying to make him justify why they ordered from Tony's around the corner when Tony's three blocks away has better sauce, when he blurts out, "How do you live like this?"

"Like what, with amazing pizza knowledge?" She smiles as if she's proud of herself and maybe a little drunk.

He sighs, because he thinks he left a little drunk two beers ago. "No, not that. I mean not knowing what the rest of your life is going to be like."

Her smile gets much sadder, and she squeezes his hand that's not holding a bottle. "Well, we don't really have a choice."

"That's life, huh?"

"That's life," and she kisses his cheek. "It'll get better. I know. It'll get better, okay?"

"Yeah," but he doesn't really believe her even though she smells nice, and then the door is opening. 

The discussion starts up again from the beginning, with Ted agreeing that if any monster is going to have a soul, it's a Muppet monster, before Marshall can even wrap his brain around the fact that Robin kissed him. 

When they're in the middle of a standstill on Oscar the Grouch, Ted reaches out and tilts Marshall's chin to the side. "Dude, you have something red smeared on your face."

Marshall realizes it's probably Robin's lip gloss and feels kind of like he did during the whole Unmentionables at Breakfast Debacle. Shamed and titillated like he's just entering puberty all over again. "Maybe it's some filling from that doughnut I had earlier?"

"Maybe you're disgusting," Ted says and when Marshall glances over at Robin, she's blushing just a bit, and rubbing her thumb over her lips.

\---

Marshall realizes as soon as Robin says the shampoo is hers why it was still so familiar. It's because sometimes when they're sitting on the sofa watching a movie, or playing video games, or just hanging out, she screws with her hair. She does it up in these little braids, and twirls it around her index finger, and after awhile, you can't help but smell it. 

He's stuck on the fact that he admitted it was comforting, but erotic. Marshall knows that maybe if Ted hadn't come home during the monster argument, he would have taken her sympathy someplace further, and it makes him kind of sick. Lily hasn't been gone a month, and Robin is Ted's dream girl. Those are the facts. And really, he tries not to think about it so much, but there's not much else to do when you stay home all day and afternoon TV sucks. 

His mind wanders frequently now to running his fingers through her hair while they're having sex, and Lily watching them, or Ted catching them, and he can't take being guilty and nervous and horny all the time.

And then, one night, when he's in the shower, he squirts some of the shampoo into his hands and is jerking himself off before he even realizes he's doing it.

This time it smells more like desperation than anything else. 

He doesn't think he's anywhere near close, but then Robin is knocking on the door and telling him she needs to get something and he's suddenly coming all over the tiled wall. It feels so good and so shameful that his knees are shaking, and Marshall needs this to be part of the nightmare like everything else.

\---

"Robin really wants to do something with you tomorrow," Ted says. "To make up for what happened at the baseball game."

Marshall knows he should say no, but it's not going to matter if he does because Ted's going to make him do whatever Robin wants to any way. The only real way out of it would be to be honest, and Ted probably wouldn't even take him seriously if he said it. _"Oh, Ted, by the way, I dream about having sex with your girlfriend, so, I probably shouldn't be left alone with her. You agree, don't you? Wonderful."_

"Can I tell her you're in?"

"What are we doing?"

"She won't tell me," And Marshall's thinking about hotel rooms and complimentary bathrobes and what Robin would look like spread out on all white sheets, while Ted keeps talking.

\---

Marshall's never held a gun before. He went hunting with his brothers once, but threw up after Marcus shot a deer, and they didn't ask him back after that.

This feels different though. It's just a piece of paper which doesn't remind him at all of Bambi, and Martin isn't going to nearly piss himself laughing if Marshall sucks. Despite that, he's still kind of jumpy, and the gun remains too loud even with the earmuffs on. But, he can do this. He can. Robin makes it look fun, standing there confident and with a huge smile, and when she asks him to try, he's able to match her enthusiasm. 

It doesn't matter that on the first shot the butt of the gun slams him right between the eyes, or that he's not really hitting the target at all, because he's laughing, and in between rounds he can see that Robin is too. He empties the gun, and he feels really charged up and in control and a little bit like he can do anything.

"How can Ted not love this?" he yells, and Robin shakes her head like she can't believe it either.

\---

They go back to Robin's place afterwards, so she can hide her paraphernalia and when she comes out of the bedroom he's kind of buried under three of her dogs on the sofa. "I used to have this dog, Bongo, when I was a kid," he tells her.

"Bongo?"

"Yeah, my mom named him. No idea where Bongo came from though." He scratches the Dalmatian behind the ears. "I had a good time today, Robin."

"Yeah? Me too." She grins and sits down next to him. "I think given a few more of these outings you might actually hit that outline hanging at the end of the gallery."

"Oh, is that what that was doing there? I thought it was just some sort of decoration."

She runs her fingers gently over the bruise on his forehead that feels like it's beating in the same quick pace as his heart. "I should get you some ice."

"Robin, would you kiss me?" He's got to stop asking her questions just because he's thinking them. She's not Lily. Except, that's the whole thing. He has to know that there's another woman out there besides Lily who would. It has nothing to do with the way Robin's fingertips feel on his skin, or the fact that he's always gotten why Ted is completely in love with her, or that right now, he might be feeling the same way. 

He really doesn't want it to be about any of those things.

She says, "Marshall...", but she doesn't say no and the next thing he knows, he's pushing her back onto the couch and kissing her instead. And she lets him. She opens her mouth, and when he slips his tongue inside, she makes this sound like she's surprised, and he is too. He has no idea why he's letting this happen right now.

He wishes that her hair was down, and that she wasn't Ted's, and that his head didn't hurt so much.

Marshall slips a hand up and under her bra and moves down to kiss her neck, and as soon as his thumb brushes along the underside of her breast, she's saying his name again and he knows it's over. 

He sits up, and adjusts himself. "Sorry. I didn't mean...", but he doesn't know what he didn't mean, so he just stops talking.

"It's okay," and her cheeks are kind of pink, and her shirt isn't laying right. "Ted is never going to find out about this either," she tells him, and maybe it's a warning or a reassurance. Her tone gives nothing away.

"I should go," he says, already moving towards the door and away from her.

"Put some frozen peas on your head when you get home."

"I will." He turns to her just before he's out in the hallway. "Thanks for not telling me to picture Lily when I was shooting today." It's a stupid thing to say, but he's serious about it.

"You're welcome." She leans her head against the door, and some of the front strands of her hair fall over her face. He wants to push them back, but he won't let himself. "I'll see you later."

He takes the subway home because he doesn't want to be by himself. It's not so crowded that he can't get a seat, and so he sits across from the map, the colored lines running all over New York. He likes that everything on there is connected and will eventually lead you somewhere. Even if it's back to where you started.

Marshall kissed a woman today who wasn't Lily. He could move on, if he wanted to. But, he knows there's a reason he kissed a girl he can't really have to test the theory.

Back at the apartment, Ted asks, "What did you guys end up doing?" 

He almost says nothing, like Ted's his dad and he just got home from getting high after basketball practice. He feels like the indiscretion is palpable in the room, and Ted's just waiting for him to be honest about what they all already know. "She took me to the gun range," he says even though he knows he's not supposed to. His forehead is throbbing, but he thinks he's smiling. It's probably the most suspicious thing he could be doing.

"She's a gun nut?!" Ted exclaims, and the volume of his voice only makes Marshall smile a little harder.

"Aficionado, Ted," he says.

"Wait. Are you smiling right now?"

With uncertainty, Marshall says, "Yes?"

"So you had fun? I can't believe this," He shakes his head. "Good for you though, man."

"Don't tell her I told you. She made me promise you wouldn't find out." Marshall's genuinely happy that she's such a secretive person, especially because he can never keep his mouth shut as much as he should.

\---

Months later, the weekend after Robin's sister was in town, everyone is down at the bar playing Truth or Dare. It was Lily's idea, because she said it was one of her most and least favorite things about being in high school, which is apparently all that they can talk about since Katie arrived. It's kind of like after they went to prom last year, when they were all just drowning in nostalgia for about two weeks.

It's Barney's turn, and he's mostly been interested in finding out about everyone's sexual experiences or getting Ted to hit on girls for him. He looks at Marshall, and asks, "Truth or Dare?"

Marshall's already had to hold hands with Carl and put a Creed song on the jukebox and dance to it like he was serious about the activity. "Truth," he says, confident that nothing is going to be more terrible than whatever gross thing Barney must be thinking about having him do.

"Eriksen, lame. I wanted to dare you to go ask that chick over there with the mustache if her dad is Tom Selleck." Marshall's even more thankful he went with truth. "I guess I'll find out if Lily is the best kisser you've ever been with." He does this evil laugh like he's Mr. Burns or something.

"Waste of a question," Robin says.

"Yeah, Barney, seriously, of course Lily's the best I've been with. She's going to be my wife."

She leans over and gives him a peck on the lips. "Aw, thanks, baby. Even though you kind of had to say it."

"Well of course I did, Lilypad. It's the truth." He finishes up the little bit of beer he has left in his glass. "I'm going to hit the head."

Barney is practically already out of his seat. "I'll come too." Marshall rolls his eyes.

"Have fun, ladies," Ted calls after them while Wendy is busing their table for the third time already that night.

Standing at the urinal, Barney says to him, "I saw you squint before you answered the question. You of all people should know not to soil games like that."

"What are you talking about?"

"I think you're lying about Lily being the best. You kiss her differently than you did before she left. I think you hooked up with someone else EPIC last summer and kept it from all of us."

"You watch how we kiss each other?"

"Answer my question, Eriksen. Who did you hook up with that's better than Lily?"

Marshall flushes the toilet and goes to wash his hands. "Alright, if you want to know - "

"I knew it!" Barney clenches his fist in satisfaction.

"Do you want me to tell you or not?" Barney's quiet and doesn't ask for an observation high five, so Marshall continues. "It was Robin."

"Oh, fuck you, man."

"What?"

"Marshall, you're lying. There's no way Robin hooked up with you while she was dating Ted. Especially when you were all weepy for like three months. If she was going to hook up with anyone, it would be me, then Lily and then you if she had no other options. Come on."

"I'm telling you, it happened," Marshall's saying as Barney's already walking towards the door and slamming his palm against the hand dryer. He laughs because it's always nice to see Barney freak out, especially when he doesn't know what he's talking about. 

Of course he kisses Lily differently now. Because he's sure they're meant to be together rather than just hoping that they are.

Back at the booth, Marshall dares Robin to kiss Barney and she chooses to take a shot instead. Barney glares at him for at least a minute, but then Marshall decides to make out with Lily a little and stops really paying attention. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Ted kissing Robin and Barney starts yelling, "If I stay here any longer I'm going to catch your...coupleitis. God, you're all infected, and you know what, I'm happy you didn't kiss me Robin because you're probably extremely contagious. Stop being in love!"

Lily laughs and squeezes his bicep and Marshall knows he couldn't quit even if he wanted to.


End file.
